-What is the most useful thing in the holding?
-Guilty husband!
*********************************************
-Why on the world women are more than man?
-Because there are more need in cleaning up than to think.
Jokes about dying
-When he died he left all his treasure to orphanage.
-And what is this treasure?
- 12 children.
-And what is this treasure?
- 12 children.
Jokes about court
Judge:
-When did you see victim last time.
Blondie:
- In the night from 28th to 1st.
Judge:
-In which month?
Blondie:
-You wont believe .....
-When did you see victim last time.
Blondie:
- In the night from 28th to 1st.
Judge:
-In which month?
Blondie:
-You wont believe .....
Jokes about doctors
-Nobody understands me!
-What you mean?
*****************************
-Doctor I will not pay to you, I included you in my testament, is it ok?
-Of course, just give me back your recipe, I will make some changes.
******************************
-Doctor, I have a problem, little man is sitting in my head and cursing. Could you help?
-Of course, it will cost you 10 000 dollars.
-Doctor, do you want to know, what little man just said?
-What you mean?
*****************************
-Doctor I will not pay to you, I included you in my testament, is it ok?
-Of course, just give me back your recipe, I will make some changes.
******************************
-Doctor, I have a problem, little man is sitting in my head and cursing. Could you help?
-Of course, it will cost you 10 000 dollars.
-Doctor, do you want to know, what little man just said?
Jokes about helpdesk
-Hello, is this technical support?
-Yes, how can I help you?
-Which browser is installed on my computer?
-Well, if you asks certainly it is Internet Explorer.
-Yes, how can I help you?
-Which browser is installed on my computer?
-Well, if you asks certainly it is Internet Explorer.
Broken kitchen
Husband returns to home and see in the kitchen- everything is broken.
-Whats happened?
-Nothing special Mr. Propper fights with Mr. Muscle.
-Whats happened?
-Nothing special Mr. Propper fights with Mr. Muscle.
Jokes about long life
-What is the greatest success in you 98 years long life?
-I have no enemies!
- It is great, how did you do that?
- I overlived them
-I have no enemies!
- It is great, how did you do that?
- I overlived them
jokes about smart blondes
When man are thinking his left side of the brain is working.
When blonde are thinking- both sides of her brain are working and fights each other all the time.
***********************************
Blonde:
-It's hard life for smart woman.
Friend:
-What is up to you?
When blonde are thinking- both sides of her brain are working and fights each other all the time.
***********************************
Blonde:
-It's hard life for smart woman.
Friend:
-What is up to you?
jokes about launch
One man walks by restaurant see advertisment:
"You are paying nothing for your dinner. Your grandchildren will pay for your dinner."
Man happy gets in, finish his launch and get big bill.
-Whaty about your advertisment?
-Advertisment is ok, it is bill for dinner of your grandfather.
"You are paying nothing for your dinner. Your grandchildren will pay for your dinner."
Man happy gets in, finish his launch and get big bill.
-Whaty about your advertisment?
-Advertisment is ok, it is bill for dinner of your grandfather.
Jokes about debt
-I am asking the last time, when you return your debt?
-Thanks god, I will not hear it anymore!
-Thanks god, I will not hear it anymore!
joke about unreliable wife
Husband is dying:
-I am dying, did you ever was reliable wife?
Wife:
-Are you sure, you can't get up?
-I am dying, did you ever was reliable wife?
Wife:
-Are you sure, you can't get up?
jokes about wifes lover
Businesman went to Maldives, do all job in 3 days and had 4 more days to rest. He sent message to his friend bachelor:
-Take my wife and your lover and come to me.
He got message back:
-Will be tomorrow at 11, btw how did you know about us?
-Take my wife and your lover and come to me.
He got message back:
-Will be tomorrow at 11, btw how did you know about us?
jokes about left blonde
Blonde cries. Another blonde asks:
-What happened?
-Boyfriend gave me a rose and said he will come back, when it fades.
-So where is the problem?
-Rose is plastic.
-What happened?
-Boyfriend gave me a rose and said he will come back, when it fades.
-So where is the problem?
-Rose is plastic.
Jokes around snakes
-What is successfull marriage?
-It is like to put your hand in a bag and pull out a grass snake!
**********************
Lesson of biology. Teacher:
-Yesterday I saw a viper and she didn't bite me, do you know why?
Voice from the backstage:
-Because they don't touch soulmates.
-It is like to put your hand in a bag and pull out a grass snake!
**********************
Lesson of biology. Teacher:
-Yesterday I saw a viper and she didn't bite me, do you know why?
Voice from the backstage:
-Because they don't touch soulmates.
Jokes about cops
One ventriloquist with duck on his hand on the stage:
-Here are another anecdote about cops.
Angry cop in Hall stands up and says:
-Enough you laughing about us, cops.
ventriloquist starts to apologies. Cop:
-You shut up I am talking with duck.
-Here are another anecdote about cops.
Angry cop in Hall stands up and says:
-Enough you laughing about us, cops.
ventriloquist starts to apologies. Cop:
-You shut up I am talking with duck.
Joke about crocodile in the pool
One old man have a pool and apple trees. One night he took bucket to pick apples and when he came closer he saw a few naked girls swimming in his pool. Old man frowns at them
-Go away from my pool.
They get into the water deeper and said:
-We will not get out until you go away
Old man said
-I did not coma to look at you naked, I just came to feed my crocodile.
-Go away from my pool.
They get into the water deeper and said:
-We will not get out until you go away
Old man said
-I did not coma to look at you naked, I just came to feed my crocodile.
Aphorisms birds and cigarettes
Birds are getting smarter. They are no more flying were are warmth but where are more stable political situation.
***********************
One cigarette is shortening life by 10 minutes, but sex is prolonging life by 15 minutes, so f**** for your life, smokers!
***********************
One cigarette is shortening life by 10 minutes, but sex is prolonging life by 15 minutes, so f**** for your life, smokers!
Joke husband like president
-I want my husband to be like president
-You mean- so important?
-No, I want to elect new one every four years, and if he will behaving good, I will leave him on second term.
-You mean- so important?
-No, I want to elect new one every four years, and if he will behaving good, I will leave him on second term.
Joke: archive
Programmer is calling to library.
-May I speak with Christina?
-She is in archive.
-Then unarchive her please, I need to speak with her.
-May I speak with Christina?
-She is in archive.
-Then unarchive her please, I need to speak with her.
joke: free
In skyscraper, wife is cleaning windows from the outside.
Husband:
-If you fall, cry as loud as you can, so every women will know, that I am free now.
Husband:
-If you fall, cry as loud as you can, so every women will know, that I am free now.
joke: genius
Two wifes talking.
-My fool, could you believe, hes is taking plastic bag on the plate before dinner, and then he take it off throws it away.
-He's a genius!
-My fool, could you believe, hes is taking plastic bag on the plate before dinner, and then he take it off throws it away.
-He's a genius!
joke: dont eat me
In the office fridge, there was a cake and note "Dont eat me!"
Now there are empty plate and note "I am not taking commands from cakes!"
Now there are empty plate and note "I am not taking commands from cakes!"
joke: feeding family
Man is begging on the street, another gets closer, looks in the pockets and finally found a buck.
-Sorry pal, I cant afford to give you two bucks, because I got married yesterday.
Beggar starts to shout:
-People, look at him, He was just married yesterday and now I have to feed his family!
-Sorry pal, I cant afford to give you two bucks, because I got married yesterday.
Beggar starts to shout:
-People, look at him, He was just married yesterday and now I have to feed his family!
jokes: beauty
-Honey, i will be back lately tonight.
-Are you guarantee that?
*******************
-Whiskey makes you so beautiful!
-Thanks, but I did not drink today!
-But I did.
-Are you guarantee that?
*******************
-Whiskey makes you so beautiful!
-Thanks, but I did not drink today!
-But I did.
Jokes: kamasutra
-What are you reading in such strange pose?
-Kamasutra.
*************************
Students dormitories.
-Did you take Kamasutra?
-Yes
-Did you draw there something?
-Yes
-Then come unbind my girlfriend!
-Kamasutra.
*************************
Students dormitories.
-Did you take Kamasutra?
-Yes
-Did you draw there something?
-Yes
-Then come unbind my girlfriend!
Joke: terrorists
Terrorists are not trying to blow White house and it is very smart. Otherwise they would be dead a long time ago.
joke: mortgage
Enter to school- new life starts. Enter to university- new life starts. Going to work- new life starts. Getting married- your new life starts. If you tired of all this- take mortgage and life suddenly ends.
******************************
Client in the bank is studying thick mortgage agreement a long time.
Clerk is asking:
-What is it, what is confusing you?
Client:
-Here, paragraph 1685 "On the forehead of client shall be burnt mark of bank."
******************************
Client in the bank is studying thick mortgage agreement a long time.
Clerk is asking:
-What is it, what is confusing you?
Client:
-Here, paragraph 1685 "On the forehead of client shall be burnt mark of bank."
joke: lost husband
Husband is lost. In the police wife is describing what he looks like.
Policeman:
-What we shall say to him when we found him?
-Please tell him- my mother decided not to come.
******************
One man did not like his mother-in-law very much, so he decided to frighten her. He took tablecloth, cut a hole in midst, saw a hole in table, put tablecloth on table throw his head in hole, throw some hens blood, put out tongue so it looks like his head are on the table. Mother in law came in and start to shout he open eyes and said "Woof!", so she felt with heart attack. In the police he said- she was woofing at me all my life, i did it only once.
Policeman:
-What we shall say to him when we found him?
-Please tell him- my mother decided not to come.
******************
One man did not like his mother-in-law very much, so he decided to frighten her. He took tablecloth, cut a hole in midst, saw a hole in table, put tablecloth on table throw his head in hole, throw some hens blood, put out tongue so it looks like his head are on the table. Mother in law came in and start to shout he open eyes and said "Woof!", so she felt with heart attack. In the police he said- she was woofing at me all my life, i did it only once.
joke: hunt
-Father, did we go to the hunting tomorrow too?
-No, tomorrow we will go to the eye doctor
Said father nibbling shots from his ass.
-No, tomorrow we will go to the eye doctor
Said father nibbling shots from his ass.
joke: dumpster
Dear Mr. president!
If you can't give jobs to unemployed, can't rise pensions, please at last make dumpsters lower so it is easy to get in.
If you can't give jobs to unemployed, can't rise pensions, please at last make dumpsters lower so it is easy to get in.
joke: limber
If God took away 2 more ribs from Adam, Adam became so limber so could live without women.
joke: attractiveness
Even most beautiful woman is doubting about her attractiveness but short man with crooked legs are always irresistible.
*******************
Every girl could be beauty, just need to find proper beast.
*******************
Every girl could be beauty, just need to find proper beast.
joke: The lie detector
Policemen:
-Do you know what is the lie detector?
-Yes, I am married with one for 10 years.
-Do you know what is the lie detector?
-Yes, I am married with one for 10 years.
joke: tattoo
- What is this tattoo on your back "00-88"
-It is not a tattoo, my wife drives into garage while I was opening gates.
-It is not a tattoo, my wife drives into garage while I was opening gates.
joke: toilet
Wife asks to husband:
-Where have you been?
- I was running to the toilet.
- But toilet is clean and did not smells.
-I was not fast enough.
-Where have you been?
- I was running to the toilet.
- But toilet is clean and did not smells.
-I was not fast enough.
joke: wedding
True story
Young man wakes up on the morning, looks to the blond girl in bed and says:
-Oh, my headaches, I get drunk on somebodies wedding yesterday, but don't remember whose wedding it was.
Blondie:
-What do you mean, whose wedding?
Blondie decided to joke, but man put an end to alcohol.
Young man wakes up on the morning, looks to the blond girl in bed and says:
-Oh, my headaches, I get drunk on somebodies wedding yesterday, but don't remember whose wedding it was.
Blondie:
-What do you mean, whose wedding?
Blondie decided to joke, but man put an end to alcohol.
joke: lifter
Night. Stocky lifter, 7 feet high sits on bench in park and plays with knife.
Yet comes puny man 5 feet high. Stocky man asks:
-What are you doing here?
-I am serial killer, specializing on lifters, 93 bodies on my count.
Stocky man starts to laught, falls to the ground and suddenly catches his heart and dies.
-94, little man says sadly.
Yet comes puny man 5 feet high. Stocky man asks:
-What are you doing here?
-I am serial killer, specializing on lifters, 93 bodies on my count.
Stocky man starts to laught, falls to the ground and suddenly catches his heart and dies.
-94, little man says sadly.
joke: woman skills
Skills translated in men language.
To feed a man- +100% attractiveness, + 1 size to boobs
To get drunk a man +500% attractiveness, + 5 size to boobs.
To feed a man- +100% attractiveness, + 1 size to boobs
To get drunk a man +500% attractiveness, + 5 size to boobs.
joke: blonde wishes
Husband asks to his wife:
-Darling, what kind of gift do you want on your birthday?
-Oh, I want something for my ears, something for my neck, something for my fingers.
-Got it- soap it is.
-Darling, what kind of gift do you want on your birthday?
-Oh, I want something for my ears, something for my neck, something for my fingers.
-Got it- soap it is.
joke: electric chair
Policmen asks to convicted on electric chair:
-What is your last will?
-Hold my hand during prosecution, it will be more calm for me.
-What is your last will?
-Hold my hand during prosecution, it will be more calm for me.
joke: used cars rusting
How could it be- our technology makes cans of beer which are not rotten in dump in 100 years, but new cars are rusting in 3-4 years?
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