Joke about crocodile in the pool

One old man have a pool and apple trees. One night he took bucket to pick apples and when he came closer he saw a few naked girls swimming in his pool. Old man frowns at them
-Go away from my pool.
They get into the water deeper and said:
-We will not get out until you go away
Old man said
-I did not coma to look at you naked, I just came to  feed my crocodile.

Aphorisms birds and cigarettes

Birds are getting smarter. They are no more flying were are warmth but where are more stable political situation.

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One cigarette is shortening life by 10 minutes, but sex is prolonging life by 15 minutes, so f**** for your life, smokers!

Joke husband like president

-I want my husband to be like president
-You mean- so important?
-No, I want to elect new one every four years, and if he will behaving good, I will leave him on second term.

Joke: archive

Programmer is calling to library.
-May I speak with Christina?
-She is in archive.
-Then unarchive her please, I need to speak with her.

joke: free

In skyscraper, wife is cleaning windows from the outside.
Husband:
-If you fall, cry as loud as you can, so every women will know, that I  am free now.

joke: genius

Two wifes talking.
-My fool, could you believe, hes is taking plastic bag on the plate before dinner, and then he take it off throws it away.
-He's a genius!

joke: dont eat me

In the office fridge, there was a cake and note "Dont eat me!"
Now there are empty plate and note "I am not taking commands from cakes!"

joke: feeding family

Man is begging on the street, another gets closer, looks in the pockets and finally found a buck.
-Sorry pal, I cant afford to give you two bucks, because  I got married yesterday.
Beggar starts to shout:
-People, look at him, He was just married yesterday and now I have to feed his family!

jokes: beauty

-Honey, i will be back lately tonight.
-Are you guarantee that?


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-Whiskey makes you so beautiful!
-Thanks, but I did not drink today!
-But I did.

Jokes: kamasutra

-What are you reading in such strange pose?
-Kamasutra.

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Students dormitories.
-Did you take Kamasutra?
-Yes
-Did you draw there something?
-Yes
-Then come unbind my girlfriend!

Joke: terrorists

Terrorists are not trying to blow White house and it is very smart. Otherwise they would be dead a long time ago.

joke: mortgage

Enter to school- new life starts. Enter to university- new life starts. Going to work- new life starts. Getting married- your new life starts. If you tired of all this- take mortgage and life suddenly ends.

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Client in the bank is studying thick mortgage agreement a long time.
Clerk is asking:
-What is it, what is confusing you?
Client:
-Here, paragraph 1685 "On the forehead of client shall be burnt mark of bank."

joke: lost husband

Husband is lost. In the police wife is describing what he looks like.
Policeman:
-What we shall say to him when we found him?
-Please tell him- my mother decided not to come.

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One man did not like his mother-in-law very much, so he decided to frighten her. He took tablecloth, cut a hole in midst, saw a hole in table, put tablecloth on table throw his head  in hole, throw some hens blood, put out tongue so it looks like his head are on the table. Mother in law came in and start to shout he open eyes and said "Woof!", so she felt with heart attack. In the police he said- she was woofing at me all my life, i did it only once.

joke: hunt

-Father, did we go to the hunting tomorrow too?
-No, tomorrow we will go to the eye doctor
Said father nibbling shots from his ass.

joke: dumpster

Dear Mr. president!
If you can't give jobs to unemployed, can't rise pensions, please at last make dumpsters lower so it is easy to get in.